The Comparison Trick

We are three months into our first long term foster placement. We have never known so much love and sweetness. We wouldn't trade our time with our little girly for anything, even if she goes back home in a year or more. The Lord has asked us to be her parents in the interim, and parent we have. Middle of the night feeds, blowouts, kisses and cuddles...we've done it all. 

We had court for her initially a few weeks after she was born. This was a more in depth court day to get our case fully established and on record. We had the unique privilege in being the last case of the session, so we sat through a few other juvenile cases. One had to do with another foster situation, and the other sessions had to do with teen drug cases.

We had our eyes opened that day. Moms, and Dads, can I just say if you worry about being a 'good enough' parent, you're already succeeding. We sat and watched genuine devastation in the courtroom as we watched these teens with so much potential wrestle through their stories.

Most of us parent I would say as 8s, 9s, and 10s. We spend SO much energy on such a small margin of difference when we compare. Is my kid nice enough, eating organic enough, sleeping enough, etc. The things that can haunt a typical suburban mom in our circle seem small in comparison.

Moms, especially, can you please hear me that you're doing a great job?! Parenting is HARD work. It's incessant, unrelenting. Full of joy, wonder, new life, and sweetness. It's also full of learning curves, tears, exhaustion, isolation, loneliness, and messes. Can I encourage you that the moms who 'have it together' still have to fight their laundry piles, long for date nights with their spouses, and wish they could sleep longer?!

Sitting in the courtroom that day, I saw what the 1s, 2s and 3s of the parenting bracket really look like. What I love is that also sitting in that courtroom were people who were there to HELP these families become capable. For just our little pumpkin there were about 10 professionals there working to sort out her case. We need each one of them to help decipher her best course in life.

None of us can parent alone. Her bio parents need resources and help. We as her foster parents need help from our community to make it all work too. We're not perfect, we're messy, awkward, and unsure what life will hold. We're foster care rookies. AND YET, we feel peace that we have people to be a part of our story. They will help us be our best family. We want to have eyes to see and encourage other parents in their journey. Let's all strive to be at the top of our game, but in a way that is an overflow of love, not a competition of who is better or worse. Let's cheer each other on. Let's not feel inadequate or inferior. Let's just march forward in the trenches of togetherness.

Be the mom or dad to the kids you've been given to the best of your ability. Know when to ask questions and not go it alone....But cut the self loathing and seek to be enough.  When we think we're inferior, remember that we were given the little crew given us for a reason.

You've got this. Take a deep breath. Slow down. Hug more. Jump on the trampoline with your kids. Be still. Get off facebook. You are the mom or dad they need. Don't fret that you're different than the next mom. Be liberated. You're not a 1, 2, or 3 on the parenting scale. You're doing a great job, and if there is more to learn, there is always resources and people available to help!

Don't go this road alone!

"Mom, can you snuggle me?"

A few months ago, I was wondering where my sweet, darling little girl had gone. The one who was there was fiesty, irritable and testing my nerves. I needed help!
We attend a monthly meeting on parenting at Easthaven Church that is put on by ChildBridge. If you didn't know, we have our foster care license, and this provides the continuing ed, and fellowship, to keep our license current. It's a great night, and if you are a foster or adoptive parent, I would greatly encourage you to attend! Dinner and childcare is provided, so why not?!

Anyways, one night we had a quick summary of the book '5 Love Languages of Children.' While I've definitely heard the concepts of the 5 Love Languages, I had not heard it specifically to children, nor had I read the material first hand. Having the presentation inspired me to work harder to redetermine what my sweet girl was needing, and what she wasn't getting.

We live a fast paced life, but also fight hard to keep things feeling simple. We love family time and simple moments. My son was at school and she was with me during the days when I would try to pack a ton of time into each day. "Naomi, let's go, go, go!" "Hurry up pumpkin, I need you to get in the car!" "Go to sleep right now so we can hurry to get brother from school." "We're going to be late to church!"

Bless their little hearts though, every time I drop them off I give them a little pep talk to "be nice, share the toys, if someone takes it, you give it to them. No wrestling, stay dry, listen to your teacher." If she wasn't great or pushed me buttons I would get so frustrated at her! I have high expectations, even if she was only 2 or 3.

But she seemed more fickle, irritable and frustrated. I am sure I was even more so. Then knowing I was pregnant and expecting another one which would make it that much more tricky to nurture that budding little independent spirit.

I'm big on the words you use. I don't care for 'the terrible twos' or 'threenager' mindsets. I want my girl to be a good listener, respectful and have the tender sweet spirit I often see in her. I want to speak words of life over my kids because they become what I speak over them. If I'm constantly rolling my eyes and being irritated, I'll anticipate it and be more likely to see her failings. Not how I want to roll. If I encourage her and look for the best, I will see the best.

So, go back to our resource night, and my wheels started spinning. What really are her love languages? If I am pouring everything into her needs, but not hitting the right areas, my efforts will have minimal return. Same for spouses, friends and families.

Anyways, I chewed on it and realized I was always trying to use my time so strategically, but I was missing moments. So, one day, she was sound asleep on her little twin bed on a Sunday afternoon and I decided to just go curl up next to her and take a nap too. I figure there had to be some sort of pheromone something...Anyways, a while later, she woke up so puzzled and got this quirky look in her eyes. "Mommy, why are you in my bed?" "I wanted to snuggle you!" Next thing I knew, those tiny little petite arms of hers wrapped so tightly around my neck I could barely contain the warm fuzzies that were flowing. She pulled back and with the biggest grin her little face could muster smiled at me, then she proceeded to squeeze my neck again. In that moment, I knew I had found her.

I realize it's a fine line. I do have chores that need to be done still. I still need to get projects completed, but as everyone has always heard, we will never get these years back. Now, almost daily she'll ask me in that darling little pumpkin voice of hers at bedtime or naptime, 'Mom, will you snuggle me?' A lot of times it doesn't take too much convincing to curl up next to that tiny little peanut, I'll remind you, I am 24wks pregnant, so I love to sleep!

Zoom ahead two or three months, and I feel like I've almost forgotten the frustration of a few months back. I think we just hadn't really connected in a way that her tank was filled up. Kids need to be hugged, snuggled, rocked, and spent quality time with. Now when I correct her, I feel like more often than not, she hears me, and from a much fuller emotional tank can respond. Of course she has her moments and so do I, but I am grateful to have rediscovered my tender girls' little heart.
Friends with kids, big or small, or anyone you love really, I encourage you to do some homework and look up more info on the love languages. Again, you can feel like you're pouring into someone endlessly, but if it's not a language they speak, your efforts may still come up empty.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/resources/books/

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/resource/the-five-love-languages-of-children/

http://www.bethechangeconsulting.com/sites/default/files/worksheets/BTC17b_five-love-languages-summary_05a_bw.pdf

Honesty is harder than we think

John 10:10- The thief comes to steal kill and to destroy, but I (Jesus) came to give you LIFE, and to give you life ABUNDANTLY.

I've started a book entitled "The Emotionally Healthy Woman" by Geri Scazzero, and only a few chapters in I've had a lot of reflection. She goes through the '8 Different things we have to quit to change your life.'

One of the first things to quit is lying. I'm a pastor's wife, I don't lie. I thought. Let me tell you, reading the book through her lens and my own has been so helpful. She writes as a mother of 4 and the wife to a pastor of a start up church.

A few of the concepts from the first 'quit' I'm still trying to resolve in my head and my heart. We have to quit lying to ourselves and to society. 'I'm fine.' 'I'm great.' 'Sure, I can do that too.' When inside your secretly dying.

Can I be honest...? This was one of the hardest winter's I've walked. I mean, I love the snow, but this was a LOONG winter of being stuck inside. I feel like I perfected the 'I'm fine' when really on the inside I was so desperate to have someone sit and listen. To give me freedom to cry. To grieve. To Process. To be safe. To still feel wanted after I was vulnerable. No one told me I couldn't do those things, but I lived in the bubble of self made expectations, so I put myself in my own jail. I had big, real, heavy things pressing on my mind, but I just lied saying I was fine and chose to put that smile back on.

I assumed they wanted me to be the one asking the questions, giving the encouragement, and creating the cathartic space for others. I don't need much, I think, but I figured no one had room to hear it. Lies. I did have people who listened, who loved, and were available.

Sickness. Grief. Loss. Questions. Loneliness. Yet smiles. Often sincere, but sometimes just part of the game.

Self doubt. Am I doing enough? Are my kids nice enough? Listen well enough? Representing well enough? Is my house nice enough? Big enough? Too big? Clean enough? Does my laundry represent my success as a homemaker? Can I let my friends see it messy? See me messy? Still want me? Are we making enough of a difference as a family? As friends? Are we personally on mission? Are we exerting all of this energy for anything?
Am I still called to play the game of life I've been dealt? Am I even of any merit? Do people look at me and think I'm a joke? Surely they all see how pathetic I really am.

Lies. Real honest to goodness lies.

Will some people disagree with how we chose to do life? You betcha. Does my value come from that? I'm working on relearning it doesn't. I don't want to live in a web of falsities.

...So...
"The thief comes to steal kill and destory..."
Isolation is one of the best breeding grounds for this in my opinion. I'm the only one struggling. They don't know my story, the aches and the grief. This is false. These are what I like to call the whispers of the enemy. I want the booming voice of the Redeemer speaking TRUTH in my my heart. 

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18,23-24 
16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances;for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
23 May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 24 The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it.

'The one who calls you is FAITHFUL, and he WILL DO IT'. He will equip me. He will motivate me. He will give me purpose. He will take my broken pieces and make them beautiful.

He made me to love, to nurture, to tend to, to encourage, to hope, to laugh, to live abundantly, to seek joy. My name Emily means Industrious One. My middle name is joy, which means what it is (obviously ;) ) But I take that as a call to be industrious in how I create joy.

I love to create things. To try new things. To tend to new life. I was a labor and delivery nurse before I was a stay at home mom. I love babies of most any kind, human or mammal. I was made to show love. I need to embrace the value of this calling more than ever.

In the last 6+ months we've acquired a home with more rooms, a kitten, 3 goats and 5 chickens. I hope to fill it even more. I was called to live abundantly. Soon we'll welcome our third biological child and also welcome a long term foster care placement. We'll go from 2 kids to 4 in a very short time.
Abundantly full. Abundantly crazy. Abundantly grateful.

As I engage the coming months and the new life and hope all around, I want to receive the life all around us that is being placed in our journey. I can't continue living under the bondage of a heavy heart. So we rejoice. We hope. We PRAY A LOT. We stick to the life God has given us and asked us to walk.

So friends, I encourage you too, to acknowledge what lies you're allowing yourself to live under.  Come out to the marvelous light of hope. Don't say yes to too much, when simpler is better. Don't stay simple when you've been called to complex. Dance the dance asked of you.

Find your freedom. Embrace who Jesus is asking you to be. Run with perseverance.  Run with hope. Seek out the abundant life Jesus has to those who are willing to engage it. Pray crazy prayers and live in great expectation.

Ephesians 3:20- 21 
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Take the Leap

When I was four years old, my parents enrolled me in my first dance class. This stayed a pivotal part of my life until I was 17 years old. I can say I learned so many lessons from inside the studio about life.

Last week, my darling girl put on her first pair of ballet shoes and excitedly walked into the studio while mom and brother waited out in the waiting area. Oh my heart could just burst. I was ready to go dig out my old gear and jump in with Ms. Ursula. As they learned their arm positions to Pachelbel's Canon, my heart was swooning. In part because she was so delighted. In another part because this will always be one of the primary languages of my heart.

Dancing was where I came alive. I loved it, I breathed it, I worshiped through it. It was one of my favorite expressions.

I loved 'the double door rule.' We were taught that when you walked into the doors of the studio we were asked to be fully present in that moment. Whatever was outside the doors was not our concern for the 1-3 hours we were there.

We learned etiquette and respect. Yawning was not tolerated in class. You didn't speak during class, (for the most part). You didn't complain, you worked hard.

You danced full out. No half way option. If you were holding back you'd get called out on it. "Stand up straight. Derriere's in. Turnout. Extend those arms. Jump higher, point your toes. Chin up. Proud chest." You were never caught off guard if you were corrected, you were taught to say thank you. We were invested in. "You practice like you will perform ladies. Don't forget to smile."

You start at the barre. Work to center. Then across the room. This was my favorite. But you can't dance across the floor if you don't have good barre training. Again, such life application. We can't do more in life, if we don't work hard in the basics.

But then I began to feel a new chapter was coming. This was where my first big leap of faith came in. When I was a junior in high school, I felt God ask me to surrender it all. Walk away. Trust him fully. Be done with ballet. Give up an opportunity to go spend the summer at  Ballet Chicago. This was the scariest decision of my young life. So many thought I was wrong. But, I knew following where God was calling me was more important than my dancing and my passion. I bartered with God for a good year before I took the plunge. "God, I'll just be the encourager at the studio. I'll make this more holy. Surely, you don't know what quitting would do to me"...but his plans were higher.

March 23rd came. I danced my last performance. I signed and dated my last pair of pointe shoes. A week later I went on a mission trip to Honduras. My eyes shifted to the plight of others around me. I was hooked. That summer I was a camp counselor at a Christian Camp instead of dancing in Chicago. Then the following spring I got to go on two more international mission trips. God blew me away. Because, when he says go, it is in our best interest to say we'll be ALL IN.

Dance full out! Chin up. Smile on. Walk in faith. Anticipate great things.

Since then, God has asked us many more times in our adult lives to be all in. To walk away from things that were good, excellent, and wonderful. But I trust he knows what's best, what's ahead, and in my best interest.

I still LOVE to dance. That will never go away. I would love to be at a zumba class or an adult class more often, but schedules don't often allow it...so I have dance parties with my kids. We rock out in the safety of our home.

It's terrifying to do the unknown. To step out. I encourage you, I plead with you, if there is something you're contemplating doing, but feel uncertain if it'll be a good idea, just jump all in. Don't be afraid of the unknown. So many people told me I was crazy to do it, and that I was making the wrong decision. But I couldn't shake it. I had to follow through on this big thing for my young teenage heart. I'm so grateful I learned then to listen to God's call and not other people's input.


I still dance. I still love ballet. But I am grateful God took me on a far greater quest. Sometimes we say yes to things, and still wish it could've been both. I knew I would never be a professional dancer, but it was still hard to end something early...But we have to trust fully and walk into the unknown.

He will provide answers, hope and peace. He leaps when we say yes. He dances when we surrender. That is a dance I want to be a part of!

What seeds to plant?

Last week, I was looking through some magazines I had been given about Hobby Farms. Oooh, how they're making me eager for spring. The last two or three years we had a small raised garden in our backyard and loved seeing how full we could pack it. I know we broke a ton of the rules as to plant spacing. We were so excited to grow things, we maximized what we had. We had zucchini, sugar snap peas, sunflowers, cucumbers, beans, strawberries, raspberries, carrots, and lettuce. All in two tight little beds. We all loved going out to pick fresh produce. I loved that my son would eat the cherry tomatoes like candy, and happily eat the sugar snap peas fresh off of the vine. Daily I would have to remind my kids to let the strawberries turn all the way red before they picked them. Oh that garden was fun. Each year we'd tweak it and change it to accommodate different things and highlight new ideas. 

Now, we've moved out of town and have plenty of space to have a garden that will give each type of plant the space it would prefer to have. If only the snow would melt! However, this year is forcing me to actually plan out, to some extent, what we want to include. We'll have to fence it as we have plenty of neighboring deer, but what will it end up looking like!? I can't wait to find out. A whole box just for strawberries. Another row just for my raspberries. You get the idea. Then I can't wait to have friends out to enjoy the bounty and share what we'll be able to grow. This is a dream come true.

However, all the idea of gardening, has made me stop to ponder my own heart and dreams. I came across the magazine advertisement the other day and had one of those moments where for a moment time stops. "It all starts with a seed." 

Then, my Bible Study we've been doing with church spent quite a bit of time going into where and how we plant our seeds. If we randomly scatter them, our garden will be spastic at best. I realize I'm coming out of one of those winters you just do barely scatter everything around. Then you wake up one day realizing it's been survival, reactive mode for months. Yes some things have been systematic and intentional, but I realize I've not been asking the bigger questions. How is my soil, where are my rows, what am I planting, what weeds am I not tending to? 

Friends, as we wait for the snow to melt (if you're in Kalispell) or the sun to reappear regularly, if you're anywhere else, I encourage you, as I am encouraging myself to ask a few questions. What are you sowing? Are you tending first to your soil. Your personal spiritual life. Clear the rocks and the weeds. Identify what is ruining your great planting soil. Being overly busy? Bitter? Discouraged? Isolated? Not in the Word? Not planning for your health? Take care of yourself and your heart first. 

Then decide what you want to plant. Are you being generous with your gifts and your time? Are you investing in relationships? Friendships that build up your character and joy? Investing in people who need a mentor? Building memories with your family and your kids? Getting involved in your church and giving of your time? Volunteering in something you're passionate about? What are you planting? When we stop to evaluate where our time is going every day, are you satisfied with it? Are you bold enough to change? I'm spending some time this week to evaluate what I'm passionate about, and if I'm really investing in it. 

From there, we have to daily care for our new seedlings. They need tending to, watering and weeding. As we evaluate and create new opportunities, we have to guard them when it's a vulnerable and new idea. The reward will be great. We live in a culture that just zones out to life. We are on our computers, our phones, our TVs and can miss out on so many opportunities. We have to choose to wake up, water, weed, repeat. I have to do this. I have to tend to my little tasks daily, so that when more opportunities come my way disciplines are intact. 

I cannot wait for what my new, real garden will end up looking like this summer. I can't wait to have people over to help me harvest the bounty. But I will have to spend quite a bit of time and some money to create that space. Jesus, please help me to be intentional in that, but more than that help me to ask what seeds I am to plant in life. Who or what am I to develop relationship with? What tasks do I need to remove from my daily life or add in? What do I need to be patient to allow to grow bigger and stronger? What will thrive because I put it in it's own place to grow instead of crowding it with too many other things? Lord please give me fresh eyes to serve, to seek out opportunities and daily and weekly continue to go after them! We have no idea how much we can do if we are obedient to do the work He's asked us to do. I'm grateful and excited for what lies ahead! 

Comparison is a thief

Comparison is a thief. A liar. A manipulator.

We live in a world of comparison. So often we don't even have an awareness of what we're doing when it's taking place.

I want to live life abundantly and with grace. I hope to live in the awareness of my daily need for grace. I want to continue to learn and grow and strive for the things God puts before me. I don't want to look sideways at what other have, or say, or do. I want to run my fingers through my daughters hair just because she's my little girl. I want to snuggle my growing boy because someday he'll be grown and raised. I want to live the life I've been given to live with my husband to the fullest. We are guaranteed no more than this moment, so why do I find myself subliminally looking sideways.

For my heart, it isn't that I want to get the nicest car or obvious material things, but it shows up in my inadequacies. My own failings can grip my heart fiercely and cage me in. I'm not patient enough, disciplined enough, present enough. If I could just commit to _______ more, I'd have different results. I'd be happier, I'd be more engaged, I'd be satisfied.

But one thing I've been reminded a lot of lately is the tension in the middle. Paul in Corinthians struggled with the unknown to us, thorn in his side. He wasn't a great speaker, or a public figure, but God used him mightily. He didn't let his inadequacies keep him from going after what God had planned for him.

Same with Moses. He couldn't speak well but God asked him to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

David was a murder and an adulterer, but he was listed as a man after God's own heart because he kept striving for right relationship with God despite his failings.

Hannah kept praying for a baby when she could have none, and finally the Lord heard her cry and blessed her with Samuel.

Peter was hot headed but God said he would build his church through him.

Joseph was sold into slavery, thrown in prison for what he didn't do, and finally was able to save thousands because of his hard work and faithfulness to God.

So, why would I look sideways? I don't want to compare my story to others. I want to ask God to direct our steps, or stop me in my tracks if I'm off base. John 10:10 says 'the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy, but Jesus came to give us life, and to give us life abundantly'.

Imagine if those Biblical examples were to poll their friends for a yes or a no to following God. Imagine the grief they probably received from others as they moved into God's plan for them.

I'm freshly encouraged from this, to try to look up to the source of life. Then look to see who I can encourage and bring along. But I will not play the comparison game, because it is a thief.

Friends, let's not give the thief the power to change the lives we were made to live.

Live intentionally. Purposefully. Patiently. Ask for wisdom. Lean into those who have gone before. Sit on your knees and quietly ask the Lord to reveal blind spots or strength you didn't know you had.

Live fully. Be alive. Live abundantly.
Go where he leads even if it seems crazy!