John 15:4 says 'Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.'

There is only one who can satisfy. When I redirect my attention to my children, my friends, my family, my husband, and away from the God that knows me, made me, and delights in me, I will put undue stress on the other relationships.

We have seen so many hard things in the last couple of years and the weight on our shoulders can become heavy and tiresome. We grieve, we delight, we ache, we are full of gratitude. The only source of sustainable joy in my heart is that the God who made the mountains around us also thought it necessary to be near to us, equip us to do hard things, and never leaves us. Sometimes we can each feel like he's far away, but always is he there. Always is he waiting. Always is he good. Even when the circumstances aren't.

I want to be able to skip in the rain. Not out of ignorance, but out of trust. That though it be raining outside, and in the world around, my God is still faithful. My God is good. My God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly more than what we can hope or dream for (Eph 3:20).

Lord help me to be fruitful, engaged in your work, and full of your joy! I pray that over each of you as well.

Wearisome but worth it

Today was beautiful, warm, sunny and sweet.

We took our pup to the vet for a funny thing in his eye. We're on the watch, but it could be the nearing of an end of an era. He'll be 11 this summer, we got him when we had been married a year and a half. We've changed so many things through the years, but we've had our constant companion. Weird to think past having him in our home.

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and confident of things unseen' Hebrews 11:1.

This is my verse over our sweet as pie girly whose name I can't share here. It's also just a life verse in general.
When Phill was about 9 years old he decided if he ever got a dog he would name it Montana. He had thought the ideal dream would be to live on a dirt road in Montana, driving an old pickup truck with a canine companion riding shotgun. Being a realist at an early age, he thought there's no way I'll live in a Montana, I'm from Seattle and want to be an engineer. So he decided to tribute his first dog to that dream. Fast forward to 2007 and we brought home the pup.
Now, here we are living that dream of his 9 year old boy self, and we can't help but reflect on the humor of it. But also the fun of God's dreams for us. He often puts desires IN us so we'll say"yes of course!" when God asks. He's gracious in that. Not to say it's easy, perfectly wrapped in a little box, but it's good.

I felt called to adopt, and eventually to foster from an early age. I grieved at many almosts. Now here we are with our dynamic duo babes and we're grateful we said yes. No it's not all sunshine and roses. Friends fostering and raising 4 kids 6 and under is at times the hardest thing I've ever done. I wouldn't want any other road though. 'For such a time as this' we are here. Having people 'worry about me for fear it's too much' is missing the point. I'm a grown adult who can choose what to say yes or no to. These babes, and specifically our girl, didn't choose their road, so I want to consciously walk into the tricky brokenness and make it a part of mine. It is hard. I have shed many tears, but I don't want to be worried about,I want to equip and cheer on others to join us in the battle.

Whatever God is whispering in your heart, go after it. It will not be easy. Trust me in that. But instead of easy, we choose messy, complicated, rich and full. This land is a gift given to us beyond what we could've dreamed. These 4 babes are the ones my heart was made for.
If our dog is on his last go around the sun, we want to reflect on the reminder of the ideas put in us years ago so that on hard days we know our why. God writes things on our hearts and he wants to show us his ways are better.
Say yes to risky faith. Be sure of what you hope for. Be confident in the unseen things your heart sings for and stay the course.

Noonday Sun

Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong; for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away.
Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret it leads only to evil.
Psalm 37:1-8
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Do not fret over men or evil. Trust in the Lord. Dwell in the land. Commit your way to the Lord. Be still before the Lord. Be free to shine like the dawn, the ‘justice of your cause like the noonday sun.’

The Word of the Lord is rich, simple, complicated and free for us all to soak in. This morning I kept having the words ‘noonday sun’ stuck in my head. I had to reread this passage, one of my all time favorites. I want to commit my ways to the Lord. I want to give him my desires and dreams to see how he will use them. I want to release anger and frustration to him. I want to boldly believe that God is a Father who cares for his children.

Last week I felt like I was an octopus with all my appendages being pulled in opposite directions. I felt like I was doing nothing well, and everything at half capacity. Relationships feel like they were suffering or minimal, my heart was short with my kids, everything was just not where I wanted it to be. I called Phill one day when I thought it was all about to explode, anxiety was ripe within me. I asked which things I should do that particular day, because I was overloaded and couldn’t do it all. His question in rebuttal caused all of me to stop and really analyze my motivators. He asked me ‘a year from now, what will you have wanted to invest in and who do you want to be? From there, consciously choose what you want to choose today to invest in. The rest will fall into alignment.’

This had me on my knees asking Lord who am I? What have I poorly invested in, either too much or not enough? Steer the ship that is my heart Lord. If our lives are but a blip on the radar of the world, I want my little moment to count. I want to shine like the noonday sun. THe world doesn’t need me to be fried and haggard. The world needs me to boldly reflect the face of the one who sent me and made me. Friends, what are we reflecting from our faces? I felt like my face was heavy, worn out, and fatigued. I want the noonday sun to reflect on my face. I want to recommit my ways to the Lord and I want to trust him. I want to trust him with my fears, my joys, my unknowns, my tasks, my family, my dreams, my ministry. The name Emily means industrious one. My middle name is joy. I want to freshly live in the title given to me, that I would industriously choose joy.

Three times in this passage it says ‘do not fret.’ The passage is rich in verbs, commands, action steps. I want to trust, dwell, delight and commit my ways to him. I want to relinquish fretting, anger, frustration and the unnecesaries. I encourage you to ‘be still before the Lord’ and quiet your heart. ‘Dwell in the land’. See the nature around. See the creator who made the nature. Be a person of commitment, joy, hope and trust.

Our God is good, our God is big, and our God is inviting us to come to him.

I think this was my senior year picture... Maybe Junior. Pondering the ideas of what makes us. Journey with me if you will.
Where are you now? Who are you? Would your younger self like your adult self? What advice would you give yourself from now to then?
I think a lot of me has continued to be that girl. I've grown and changed in ways I could've never imagined.

I loved ballet, horseback riding, creative writing, relationships, quality time, good food, and outdoor time. I was blessed with great friends,a wonderful family and married the boy who stole my heart at 16.
I had dreams of helping people, getting married, having kids, adopting, living on acreage. I lived lite loved without holding back and saw the best in people and the world.
Today with the responsibility of life on my shoulders, I can feel weary, worn out, joyful, excited, exhausted, abundant and depleted at the same time. I want to strive to hit the mark but also have freedom to fail. I want to keep digging into relationships when I have seen many come and go. 

I want to tap into the eternal God who is above time, who is the real one who carries our lives. Give my burdens, fears, failures, falsities, dreams and hopes to him. I want to play more, laugh with pure joy more, connect with friends new and old more, and fiercely surrender everything to the one who gives me each breath. 

Without Him holding me, I am nothing. No one I can raise will complete me. No one I can encourage will validate me. A clean house, perfect presentation, or an American dream fulfilled will not complete me.
I want to trust Jesus even more today than I did when I had to worry about my Dr. martens looking good and fresh. When I'm 99, I want to be asking for the same dependence. 

Today I choose to be a child. A child who laughs with delight at the Father who made me, gave me life and wants to do life with me. 

I hope you will experience this too!

The Comparison Trick

We are three months into our first long term foster placement. We have never known so much love and sweetness. We wouldn't trade our time with our little girly for anything, even if she goes back home in a year or more. The Lord has asked us to be her parents in the interim, and parent we have. Middle of the night feeds, blowouts, kisses and cuddles...we've done it all. 

We had court for her initially a few weeks after she was born. This was a more in depth court day to get our case fully established and on record. We had the unique privilege in being the last case of the session, so we sat through a few other juvenile cases. One had to do with another foster situation, and the other sessions had to do with teen drug cases.

We had our eyes opened that day. Moms, and Dads, can I just say if you worry about being a 'good enough' parent, you're already succeeding. We sat and watched genuine devastation in the courtroom as we watched these teens with so much potential wrestle through their stories.

Most of us parent I would say as 8s, 9s, and 10s. We spend SO much energy on such a small margin of difference when we compare. Is my kid nice enough, eating organic enough, sleeping enough, etc. The things that can haunt a typical suburban mom in our circle seem small in comparison.

Moms, especially, can you please hear me that you're doing a great job?! Parenting is HARD work. It's incessant, unrelenting. Full of joy, wonder, new life, and sweetness. It's also full of learning curves, tears, exhaustion, isolation, loneliness, and messes. Can I encourage you that the moms who 'have it together' still have to fight their laundry piles, long for date nights with their spouses, and wish they could sleep longer?!

Sitting in the courtroom that day, I saw what the 1s, 2s and 3s of the parenting bracket really look like. What I love is that also sitting in that courtroom were people who were there to HELP these families become capable. For just our little pumpkin there were about 10 professionals there working to sort out her case. We need each one of them to help decipher her best course in life.

None of us can parent alone. Her bio parents need resources and help. We as her foster parents need help from our community to make it all work too. We're not perfect, we're messy, awkward, and unsure what life will hold. We're foster care rookies. AND YET, we feel peace that we have people to be a part of our story. They will help us be our best family. We want to have eyes to see and encourage other parents in their journey. Let's all strive to be at the top of our game, but in a way that is an overflow of love, not a competition of who is better or worse. Let's cheer each other on. Let's not feel inadequate or inferior. Let's just march forward in the trenches of togetherness.

Be the mom or dad to the kids you've been given to the best of your ability. Know when to ask questions and not go it alone....But cut the self loathing and seek to be enough.  When we think we're inferior, remember that we were given the little crew given us for a reason.

You've got this. Take a deep breath. Slow down. Hug more. Jump on the trampoline with your kids. Be still. Get off facebook. You are the mom or dad they need. Don't fret that you're different than the next mom. Be liberated. You're not a 1, 2, or 3 on the parenting scale. You're doing a great job, and if there is more to learn, there is always resources and people available to help!

Don't go this road alone!

"Mom, can you snuggle me?"

A few months ago, I was wondering where my sweet, darling little girl had gone. The one who was there was fiesty, irritable and testing my nerves. I needed help!
We attend a monthly meeting on parenting at Easthaven Church that is put on by ChildBridge. If you didn't know, we have our foster care license, and this provides the continuing ed, and fellowship, to keep our license current. It's a great night, and if you are a foster or adoptive parent, I would greatly encourage you to attend! Dinner and childcare is provided, so why not?!

Anyways, one night we had a quick summary of the book '5 Love Languages of Children.' While I've definitely heard the concepts of the 5 Love Languages, I had not heard it specifically to children, nor had I read the material first hand. Having the presentation inspired me to work harder to redetermine what my sweet girl was needing, and what she wasn't getting.

We live a fast paced life, but also fight hard to keep things feeling simple. We love family time and simple moments. My son was at school and she was with me during the days when I would try to pack a ton of time into each day. "Naomi, let's go, go, go!" "Hurry up pumpkin, I need you to get in the car!" "Go to sleep right now so we can hurry to get brother from school." "We're going to be late to church!"

Bless their little hearts though, every time I drop them off I give them a little pep talk to "be nice, share the toys, if someone takes it, you give it to them. No wrestling, stay dry, listen to your teacher." If she wasn't great or pushed me buttons I would get so frustrated at her! I have high expectations, even if she was only 2 or 3.

But she seemed more fickle, irritable and frustrated. I am sure I was even more so. Then knowing I was pregnant and expecting another one which would make it that much more tricky to nurture that budding little independent spirit.

I'm big on the words you use. I don't care for 'the terrible twos' or 'threenager' mindsets. I want my girl to be a good listener, respectful and have the tender sweet spirit I often see in her. I want to speak words of life over my kids because they become what I speak over them. If I'm constantly rolling my eyes and being irritated, I'll anticipate it and be more likely to see her failings. Not how I want to roll. If I encourage her and look for the best, I will see the best.

So, go back to our resource night, and my wheels started spinning. What really are her love languages? If I am pouring everything into her needs, but not hitting the right areas, my efforts will have minimal return. Same for spouses, friends and families.

Anyways, I chewed on it and realized I was always trying to use my time so strategically, but I was missing moments. So, one day, she was sound asleep on her little twin bed on a Sunday afternoon and I decided to just go curl up next to her and take a nap too. I figure there had to be some sort of pheromone something...Anyways, a while later, she woke up so puzzled and got this quirky look in her eyes. "Mommy, why are you in my bed?" "I wanted to snuggle you!" Next thing I knew, those tiny little petite arms of hers wrapped so tightly around my neck I could barely contain the warm fuzzies that were flowing. She pulled back and with the biggest grin her little face could muster smiled at me, then she proceeded to squeeze my neck again. In that moment, I knew I had found her.

I realize it's a fine line. I do have chores that need to be done still. I still need to get projects completed, but as everyone has always heard, we will never get these years back. Now, almost daily she'll ask me in that darling little pumpkin voice of hers at bedtime or naptime, 'Mom, will you snuggle me?' A lot of times it doesn't take too much convincing to curl up next to that tiny little peanut, I'll remind you, I am 24wks pregnant, so I love to sleep!

Zoom ahead two or three months, and I feel like I've almost forgotten the frustration of a few months back. I think we just hadn't really connected in a way that her tank was filled up. Kids need to be hugged, snuggled, rocked, and spent quality time with. Now when I correct her, I feel like more often than not, she hears me, and from a much fuller emotional tank can respond. Of course she has her moments and so do I, but I am grateful to have rediscovered my tender girls' little heart.
Friends with kids, big or small, or anyone you love really, I encourage you to do some homework and look up more info on the love languages. Again, you can feel like you're pouring into someone endlessly, but if it's not a language they speak, your efforts may still come up empty.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/resources/books/

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/resource/the-five-love-languages-of-children/

http://www.bethechangeconsulting.com/sites/default/files/worksheets/BTC17b_five-love-languages-summary_05a_bw.pdf

Honesty is harder than we think

John 10:10- The thief comes to steal kill and to destroy, but I (Jesus) came to give you LIFE, and to give you life ABUNDANTLY.

I've started a book entitled "The Emotionally Healthy Woman" by Geri Scazzero, and only a few chapters in I've had a lot of reflection. She goes through the '8 Different things we have to quit to change your life.'

One of the first things to quit is lying. I'm a pastor's wife, I don't lie. I thought. Let me tell you, reading the book through her lens and my own has been so helpful. She writes as a mother of 4 and the wife to a pastor of a start up church.

A few of the concepts from the first 'quit' I'm still trying to resolve in my head and my heart. We have to quit lying to ourselves and to society. 'I'm fine.' 'I'm great.' 'Sure, I can do that too.' When inside your secretly dying.

Can I be honest...? This was one of the hardest winter's I've walked. I mean, I love the snow, but this was a LOONG winter of being stuck inside. I feel like I perfected the 'I'm fine' when really on the inside I was so desperate to have someone sit and listen. To give me freedom to cry. To grieve. To Process. To be safe. To still feel wanted after I was vulnerable. No one told me I couldn't do those things, but I lived in the bubble of self made expectations, so I put myself in my own jail. I had big, real, heavy things pressing on my mind, but I just lied saying I was fine and chose to put that smile back on.

I assumed they wanted me to be the one asking the questions, giving the encouragement, and creating the cathartic space for others. I don't need much, I think, but I figured no one had room to hear it. Lies. I did have people who listened, who loved, and were available.

Sickness. Grief. Loss. Questions. Loneliness. Yet smiles. Often sincere, but sometimes just part of the game.

Self doubt. Am I doing enough? Are my kids nice enough? Listen well enough? Representing well enough? Is my house nice enough? Big enough? Too big? Clean enough? Does my laundry represent my success as a homemaker? Can I let my friends see it messy? See me messy? Still want me? Are we making enough of a difference as a family? As friends? Are we personally on mission? Are we exerting all of this energy for anything?
Am I still called to play the game of life I've been dealt? Am I even of any merit? Do people look at me and think I'm a joke? Surely they all see how pathetic I really am.

Lies. Real honest to goodness lies.

Will some people disagree with how we chose to do life? You betcha. Does my value come from that? I'm working on relearning it doesn't. I don't want to live in a web of falsities.

...So...
"The thief comes to steal kill and destory..."
Isolation is one of the best breeding grounds for this in my opinion. I'm the only one struggling. They don't know my story, the aches and the grief. This is false. These are what I like to call the whispers of the enemy. I want the booming voice of the Redeemer speaking TRUTH in my my heart. 

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18,23-24 
16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances;for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
23 May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 24 The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it.

'The one who calls you is FAITHFUL, and he WILL DO IT'. He will equip me. He will motivate me. He will give me purpose. He will take my broken pieces and make them beautiful.

He made me to love, to nurture, to tend to, to encourage, to hope, to laugh, to live abundantly, to seek joy. My name Emily means Industrious One. My middle name is joy, which means what it is (obviously ;) ) But I take that as a call to be industrious in how I create joy.

I love to create things. To try new things. To tend to new life. I was a labor and delivery nurse before I was a stay at home mom. I love babies of most any kind, human or mammal. I was made to show love. I need to embrace the value of this calling more than ever.

In the last 6+ months we've acquired a home with more rooms, a kitten, 3 goats and 5 chickens. I hope to fill it even more. I was called to live abundantly. Soon we'll welcome our third biological child and also welcome a long term foster care placement. We'll go from 2 kids to 4 in a very short time.
Abundantly full. Abundantly crazy. Abundantly grateful.

As I engage the coming months and the new life and hope all around, I want to receive the life all around us that is being placed in our journey. I can't continue living under the bondage of a heavy heart. So we rejoice. We hope. We PRAY A LOT. We stick to the life God has given us and asked us to walk.

So friends, I encourage you too, to acknowledge what lies you're allowing yourself to live under.  Come out to the marvelous light of hope. Don't say yes to too much, when simpler is better. Don't stay simple when you've been called to complex. Dance the dance asked of you.

Find your freedom. Embrace who Jesus is asking you to be. Run with perseverance.  Run with hope. Seek out the abundant life Jesus has to those who are willing to engage it. Pray crazy prayers and live in great expectation.

Ephesians 3:20- 21 
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.